Not enough

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As a person that battles depression on a daily basis, not feeling like you are enough for someone is devastating.  The idea that your best is not the best.  That despite your hardest work, you still, and always will, come up disgustingly short.  In my life I have had this realization several times.  In the past 24 hours, however, I have come to another startling realization: it is my fault.

My struggle with the elusive idea of “enough” typically involves men in my life.  I feel there is a list of expectations that I am supposed to live up to, but I don’t have the list.  So I find myself desperately scrambling to fulfill any position I can find that is open in their lives.  While I felt I was filling a need that had been revealed only to me, I realized recently that it was my desperate attempt to control the situations.

Yesterday I realized an even more painful part of the equation.  It is facing the reality that someone means more to you than you do to them.  When you have hung so much time and energy on the hook of that relationship that when it all comes crashing down in front of you it is difficult to even grasp the glaring reality that everyone else has always seen: you put more effort into the relationship than they do.  You are always giving, going, doing and helping.  They…..do not.  It is exhausting and drains you of you.

Many women joke about being attracted to bad boys or men who seem dangerous.  My mom used to comment on how I brought home “lost puppies” in boys, as friends, all my life.  I managed to attract those who needed a family, a friend, or just someone to believe in them.  She practically begged me to be more discerning with those I dated as I neared that age.  I wasn’t.  My attraction to those who needed me continued and has caused me all the pain and heartbreak that she warned me it would.  I have wished many times that I could go back and tell her that she was right and apologize for not listening.

Maybe that is why I am in my profession.  Teachers are constantly meeting children who need them.  That need can take on many different forms, but typically have one root: they need to be loved.  That is one thing I am good at: I can love.

Love doesn’t fix everything, though.  Sometimes those lost puppies need more help than one person can give.  And sometimes the self-appointed rescuer is the one who really needs help.

It is my fault that I am in the mess I am in.  I looked toward those that I felt needed me for my validation.  They were my rescuer from facing my own issues.  Then they are gone and I am left with only the weak woman staring back at me from the mirror and she makes me sick.

I must remember that my validation and value comes from Christ alone.  He is the only one that sees every part of me.  He must be sobbing over the fact that I do not feel that I am enough.  After all, I am His creation.  I can’t imagine the pain I would feel if one of my precious children felt inadequate.  I must appear as amazing to Him as my children do to me.

I am telling Him that He is not enough.  I have the audacity to tell the Creator of all Earth that He is not enough.  That I know better.  That I need to be more than what He made me to be so that I can earn the admiration of another human?  What nerve!  Instead of acting as if I am not enough, I am acting as if I am superior to the Savior of all humanity.

I am resolving to work harder this week to look to Him alone for my validation rather than to man.   For Him I am enough and for me He is enough.

 

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.               Luke 12:6-7

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